The New Orleans 100

The New Orleans 100

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Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Happy 1st Birthday Baby Kiernan.

I know this is an age old question, but really, how did a whole year go by so fast? I remember being so huge, so hot, and so tired around this time last year. Sitting in the backyard, watching Seamus run around in the sprinkler, wondering when I could legitimately suggest we go back to Sal's snowball stand for the second time that day without Harry thinking I was ridiculous. I remember being so nervous the night before we went in to the hospital, not being able to sleep, not just because I had a wildly moving 8 pounds 6 ounce baby inside of me, but also because I wondered how my heart could have the capacity to love anyone as much as I already loved Seamus. How could I attempt to be a good mom to 2 little people? How would the surgery go? Was it a girl or a boy? Would the baby be healthy?

10:25 am on August 5, 2007 all my fears were put aside and my heart was overwhelmed again, to the point of bursting, when they put that sweet blond-haired baby boy in my arms. I shed a few tears when I put him to bed last night, thinking of how much he has changed. He loves his big brother and has certainly turned into a pretty boy with his big blue eyes. He eats slower than anyone I know, he loves his Momma and is always sucking his thumb. He loves riding in the wagon, dancing and puppies. He has changed our lives and our house only for the better. One year later, and we have survived our two little guys being born 19 months apart. And each day only gets better, and more fun.

I have loved the song "Seasons of Love" from the minute I heard it 4 + years ago when Harry and I went and saw Rent at the Saenger Theater. That is where the title to this post came from. I wanted to remember all the words this morning as I was writing, so I did what anyone does when you want to know something random. I googled it.

"How do you measure a year?

In daylights? In sunsets? In midnights? In cups of coffee?

In inches? In miles? In laughter? In strife?

How about love? Measure in love.

Seasons of love. "

Is that what this past year has been? Seasons of Love? It felt a little more like the season of no sleep and adjusting to caring for a 19 month old and a newborn, season of breastfeeding, season of back to work after maternity leave, season of chores, moving into the season of stress, greeted then by the season of paying bills, and the gusts of wind that have brought about a season of getting rid of bottles, switching to solid foods, and potty training for Seamus...

I am one of the millions of guilt-ridden working moms who squeezes every moment of "love and bonding" in whenever I am not at work. One of those moms who pushes herself to the brink of sanity on a daily basis, baking cupcakes at 10 pm, writing thank you notes on her lunch break, buying birthday gifts in between a deposition and a pediatrician appointment. The mom who schedules, calendars and organizes everything around one goal: not doing anything after work and on the weekends that doesn't involve playing with my kids. The mom who "offers it up", plugs in her Ipod and heads to Super Walmart hell on Thursday nights after they are in bed to grocery shop so I don't have to miss anything on the weekends with them.

One of those moms who wept uncontrollably last week when I realized my baby was one year old.

Did I miss it? Was I working too hard? Was I making lunches for the next day and preparing for a court hearing and suddenly he started crawling? Was I billing my 7.5 hours one day when he started pulling up on furniture and saying da-da? Ahh... I could do that to myself, but I won't. I could beat myself up, and bemoan the fact that I do have to work right now while my little boys play and nap and giggle at Ms. Betty's house. But I won't. I rejoice that they are healthy and happy. I get up each morning and tell myself that I am doing the best I can with the situation my life presents to me right now.

I am measuring all my time, and theirs, in hugs and kisses, love, laughter, and many, many cups of coffee.